finale

ini dah habis last usaha aku..

post itu. mmg BUKAN utk kau.

terpulanglah nak percaya ke tidak.HIDUP AKU BUKAN ADA KAU SEORANG SAJA DAN BUKAN KAU SAJA YG AKU FIKIR SETIAP MASA...so kalau rasa nak jadi budak2...teruskanlah sampai puas hati tu...

post itu utk adik aku. ye adik aku yg hina aku dgn kurang ajar.so it was a stupid elder sister yang ikutkan perasaan dan tulis di blog dgn harapan dia baca and it worked. puas hati?

so kalau terus nak lari.larilah. nak terus marah.marahlah.nk benci ke ..nak jadi budak2....itu HAK engkau. teruskanlah. kalau rasa persahabatan bertahun tahun perlu habis mcm budak2...so okay. HAK engkau jgk.

our friendship was toooooooo damn too cheap for u sampai it was tooo easy to throw it away.

satu sudut merenung khilaf
mencari kegembiraan di sekitar
hakikat.
aku sendiri merenung khilaf
gembira mereka aku tak mengerti
seperti mereka tak ketahui apa di hati

kelibat itu aku kenal
terpejam aku akalku ligat
sebelum sempat berani itu datang
kau pergi menghiris sisa yang tinggal

antara mengejar dan membiarkan

sekali lagi aku biar hati ini hanya aku yang tahu sakitnya

soalan demi soalan diaju padaku
aku hilang jawapan
aku habis kata kata

aku mahu laungkan sekuat hati...tanyalah empunya diri.

kerana aku, sudah dia buang tanpa ucap.


suatu hari. bila aku tak terdaya utk menelan semua lagi dan saat itu...aku akan pergi... puaskan hatimu yang tak berani utk ucapkan sendiri.

dan hari ini tertusuk lg. ntahla kenapa fragile sgt hati ni. hoih la.. asik nak sedih je. hormon ke apa aku ni? sobs

memula aku ingat kewl..maybe trend sekarang.tp lama2 rasa terhina sgt.rasa sakit pulak hati ini.rasa nk menangis jauh hati jauh2 pon ye. tp xpelah. hina sgt kot aku ni...jijik sgt kot..baiklah. aku terima.

there are moments in life that... u just dont know what to do when been throw things at your face.

example, when suddenly strangers cry her eyes out in front of you. and only god knows what is on my mind. i was freaking out inside out of not knowing what to do. whats the right thing to do. yeah. that is so hard. harder than add math.

and being me...if i dont run like a chicken... and still stand by you though i know nuts what to do. it just simply means that... i care. im trying really hard in my brain thinking what the best right thing to do. if there is flaws in my reaction and words, the imperfection is just me being too caring and human with emotional. y care when u know being hurt will eventually occur? y keep coming back ignoring the possible consequences?

u can be smart. but when love, feelings, emotions conquer, u can be real stupid. yeah. genuine idiot.

em so. its not too late to wish selamat hari raya people.

i did not raya in perlis this year. sedih? of course. but i am also blessed to have my parents with me during raya. what more do i want right? mommy being super mommy managed to whipped up butter chic rice. at first, i have my doubts/skeptical thinking when she says she wanted to cook... because its hard to cook using only the microwave. phew.. amazeballs i tell ya. in the end sedap menjilat jari pulak tu. ke lapaq sbb asik makan kebab? hahaha..raya di tmpt orang mmg mcm ni...

however, my 1st day of raya was sooooooooooo sad that i actually cry. menangis yg air mata x keluar..tp merah gila mata...forcing me to take a walk to calm myself. yeah. i read the comment on 1st raya and i was so sad to think...

after all these years... after everything... that is what she thinks about me? y? ever since i heard the news i am trying my best to be nothing but the best fren to u. the kind that u would talk about everything...the one that u find when no where u could turn around. yeah. but bearing in mind also that im not suppose to react the way u want me to react so that i could would be comfortable.. im suppose to act and talk for what is best for you. slap the reality. till up to the point that... i actually think... i have spoken, faught, provoke everything and if the decision u made is what u really want...thus i should be by ur side helping u doing what u want. that is y the day u told me about the letter... i am no longer shock or starting a fight with u like always. i have change my side to go along and support with what u want to do.

and then one thing after another.coming back from kuantan when everything changed for no reason..nothing..well at least what i know/think i seriously dont know what the hell happened..if the comments about the shawls hurts u. i am sorry but that is was my opinion about those shawls. i thought that all u want is honest opinion? it was my opinion based on my taste of design and colors.. maybe there are millions ppl out there have differ opinion than me. so yeah.... if the truth hurts u. sorry. i cannot turn back and undo.

sigh. then the comment and reading it on 1st raya.... it breaks my heart to see that u smile, laugh, having fun. and i get the punishment of "ignoring" as if i dont even exist in ur life anymore. y? i cannot even get mad but sad.


i want to be mad. but i am just sad. senangnya buang semuanya. i at least deserve an explanation..



"and do what best for him her and not what is comfortable for you..." yeah rite. i have chosen that way. and look what has happened.

and yes. this time, this post is all about u.

funny when ppl thinks every  or at least one or two  previous posts have anything to do with them. 

does it ever occur to u that my life is not about u all the time? that i have problems on my own that perhaps all the posts are all dedicated solely to me or any of my family members? 

space is what im giving u on the day u start to ignore.
 

so much about the presumptions and assumptions. perhaps if u ask straight to my face embarrassment would fly away?

perfection is nothing near me. 

unlike facebook, it takes a lot more effort to click on the link to this stupid blog i owned, read about the shits im writing bearing in mind that sangka baik also should be included when reading this stupid blog i owned. 

for the purpose of this blog? its completely my freedom to write any shits of my life so long as it does not disclose anybody identities to the world. if this stupid blog i owned irritates anyone, simply just dont click. as simple as our friendship. u ignore, i give u space. if u ever need me, u know where to find me...for now.

picking up the phone wont hurt ur big ass ego. i can promise u that. especially if i just wanted to give what u love the most. hati. soalnya hati. kenapa perlu lari? i promise u i wont give u the look i told u soo or anything in that line if that is what u think i would do.. u always presumed the worst of me. last time we spoke, i did ask for forgiveness if there is anything wrong. u give me indication that forgiveness is what i get.so now, what the hell is wrong ? 

xpelah. just dont forget, i can be a bitch as well.

i can not return the call

i can ignore better than u

i can be angrier longer than u

i can be a real bitch

and 

i can walk away without turning back.