makin hari aku hidup ni aku rasa.....

semua kesedihan aku adalah utk hati aku absorb dan biarkan di situ smpai jadi jeruk. xperlu yang lain tahu. xperlu pamerkan apa kau rasa. hanya Allah dan hati aku saja tahu. lebih elok ye x?

di suatu hari yang lain.

"ainul..awak x balik kg cuti raya?"

"saya..sobs.sobs.kena tinggal.."

"eh apasal x ikut?"

"habis...senin boss xkasik cuti..cemana???sobs"

serious aku rasa boss aku menyesal tnya soalan tadi tu.bahahahahaha..... sebab muka dia mcm petai jeruk lima tahun dalam bekas.hahaha...

ini hari rasa gumbira...jumpa balik kawan2 zaman uni... we shake hands and though i am sure as hell not a person who like to hug... tadi peluk mereka, peluk yang sungguh2...i really meant that hug.. i missed u guys a lottt.... 

knowing what kind of person i am... my dear friend siap tanya permission..

"boleh aku peluk hang dak??" and lepas tu daya imaginasi aku yg tinggi bayangkan mata dia mcm puss in boots... without jawapan, i gave her the best hug i can give..eh lain je bunyi..

conclusion dia..rindu dowww... 

me being me again..nampak wawa di tmpt buffet makanan...and...whisper to her from behind..

"hola hot stufff"

hahaha...nasib baik dia x bukak silat ke..kungfu panda ke apa..mihmihmih... kuruih sgt nieh wawa.. rasa mcm giant sgt berdiri sebelah wawa...

for this beautiful mini reunion of houesemates.... atie..wawa...paah...mira...kak lina... all thanks to ayie's wedding....walaopon mencari itu dewan seems impossible..waze bawak kiteorg pegi wisma putra..bahahahha....syabas waze... nyaris2 kiteorg detour pegi alamanda and have good lunch.. alhamdulillah we decided to try carik dewan near palace of justice... bila nmpak kereta byk sepah2... oh yeah.. there is wedding ceremony there...mihmihmih..selamat poket.

good day...but i still miss the rest of my mmu ians frens...kak fibo(kaklong yg senantiasaaaaa dirindui..) kak lina (br jumpa tadi)..kak diah (i miss ur laugh)... amyy (my crazy hommies yg brilliant)..tim2 (me loving timmy's love hehe).. nik..kak fla..dan byk lagilah... and oh oh oh oh ..kakang!! mana kau hilang ni???????????? kalau jumpa one day mmg aku sepuk2 kau hilang mcm asap....

esok kena gosok 6 helai baju kurung.mampuih.

was watsapping with bro yesterday about the house his about to buy depending on the loan approval of course... the house that i found when i was about to eat my breakfast... me being human just look at the picture first and go wow... sure juta2 kalau koyak rabak poket pn belum tentu mampu kan. sekali tgk harga it was just 300k+ je.. omaigod.omaigod. in my mind i was practically lifting my hand praying to Allah gimme one unit please.please..please make way for me.. and then pOP! wait seminit... murah sgt ni... sure bukan Key-el kan? bahahahaha..it was in malacca... dush dush to myself.... 

since the location in malacca, so watsap abg laju2/ forcing mama to call abg ASAP asking him to have a look at the ads.  surprisingly he actually go and have a look... of coz he felt in love with it since got discount for bumiputera lagi..haihla awat best sgt rumah itu.... rejeki beliaulah kalau loan approve... noiceeee house for first house he gonna owned, insyaAllah. thanks to me for finding the ads..kan?kan? i got share or not in the house? gimme one room sounds reasonable.bahahahaha..beranganlah dikau.

anyway, next day, i got watsapp from him asking about tun's opinion on some political matter and i replied

"hah?apakah?"

bahahahaha...salah orang letewwwwww....terus foward link 1st house loan laju2 ignoring the previous msg. haahahahaha... egois sgt ni.

last but not least...

oh hello blog.. i was scared to write again..but then it pops in my genius brain that 

"KENAPA NAK TAKUT KALAU X SALAH. U SHOULD MOVE ON FROM THAT AND PRAY HARD TO ALLAH THAT ONE FINE DAY, SHE COULD ACCEPT THE FACT. JUST THE FACT AND NOTHING BUT THE FACT. "

u annoyed me sometimes, u make me angry, u have ur weaknesses...but sure as hell i did not run away and dump u just like that as i am still here till today. yeah.... so quote whatever u want...be sarcastic as u like.. im still here.moving on without dumping nobody. 

once we talked all night about the rest of our lives

Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

I keep thinking times will never change

Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back

No more hanging out cause we're on a different track

And if you got something that you need to say

You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down

These memories are playing like a film without sound

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us around?

Will these memories fade when I leave 

I keep hoping, keep hoping that it's not goodbye

but  it's a time to fly

memories

u want to throw away the bad ones...but... it will also means throwing away the one that are good at the same time. in the end... its a matter of choosing whether to always remembers everything or losing everything...

memories.hoping it won't hurt that bad as time goes by and still remember the good ones.

it will be a waste not to write about it

because it is sooo good people

everyone should watch Tanda Putera.. if u are not malays, watch first then judge.. dont blindly judge the movie. itu tidak adil pada diri sendiri.

dr moment tgk the making of Tanda Putera aku dah tertarik nak tgk.nak tgk.even mommy yang tgh sibuk gantung bendera pn kecoh ckp nak ikut tgk cerita ni...

so we went to the cinema...

before the movie start, iklan ditayangkan mmg membuatkan kita rasa mood sejarah, penghargaan, pengorbanan semua ON.. then right before the movie start, we were told to stand up and sing Negaraku song. without any complain, everybody just stood up and sang the song proudly. *amazing and proud masa yang sama... *put in mind that yg tgk masa aku tgk ni boleh kata semua peringkat umur dr kanak2 to tok2 yang tua...

so then the movie start... controversial?racist? sumpah xde... aku tak faham kenapa bangsa cina perlu terasa dengan filem ni. ini semua sejarah dan fakta. kalau nak ikutkan, siapa yang komunis lah patut terasa... bukan bangsa cina... sebab peristiwa tu puncanya komunis menghasut orang dalam gerakan... aku rasa komunis hasut bangsa cina sebab senang komunikasi.. dan sebab mereka lebih kurang sama dr segi fizikal..jadi senang nak buat keroje jahanam menghasut orang... so y be offended? dr kerja komunis bangsat tu, bukan cina saje yang jadi terpengaruh..orang melayu jugak dah terperangkap dlm jerat komunis..maka... xperlu terasa sgtlah... kita sama2 kurang cerdik pada masa itu dan syukurlah kita ada pemimpin yang bagus pada masa itu untuk sedar permainan komunis... nothing to be ashamed of..  melainkan kau komunis, sila tolong mohon jangan nak terasa sgt..

dan kalau betul datin paduka suhaimi baba nak pecah belahkan masyarakat kita, dia boleh masukkan lebih banyak scene bergaduh mencaci dan perbuatan kejam lain...13 mei lebih teruk dr apa yang ditayangkan..xpercaya? tanya umat manusia yang hidup masa zaman 13 mei itu..mak ayah aku ada waktu tu..ofis mak aku di kampung baru waktu itu. jadi xperlu nak terasa apa2...aku tak nampak niat buruk jahat seperti dipolitikan orang2 yang feeling2 dia komunis sampai nak terasa sgt....

lagipun...kalau nak terasa sangat, aku rasa tun mahathir orang yg paling layak terasa sbb dalam filem tu, dia dikritik dan dipecat dr UMNO..tp xde pon dia kecoh2 nak feeling2 emo sangat..dia chill rilex je sbb itu semua mmg fakta sejarah. benda memang terjadi. wat lek wat peace mcm tun bole?

apa yang perlu kita lihat adalah kualiti filem ni yang membuatkan filen sejarah itu tak bosan dan mengantuk. nilai dan pengajaran yang kita dpt dari filem tu yang perlu dipandang berat. aku setuju kalau filem ni dimasukkan dalam struktur pembelajaran sejarah... sejarah akan jadi lebih menarik. kita lebih menghargai apa kita ada. dan ye.filem ini sangat sedih. kalau aku hidup zaman tu, memang aku feel semua yang turun masa tun dr ismail meninggal dan masa tun razak meninggal..

pengorbanan mereka, aku tak rasa kita semua mampu buat. keluarga, anak bini, diri sendiri semua tolak ketepi demi negara sehingga sanggup mati.. kita senang nk buang kedamaian yang kita ada..kita senang nak kutuk kritik marah caci orang di atas.tapi kita lupa yang kita tak pernah ada dalam kasut mereka untuk buat keputusan yang mmg tak akan puaskan hati semua....

contohnya tunku abdul rahman yang perlu berundur pada waktu tu....dia boleh selfish..tp akhirnya apa yang tun mahathir tulis itu satu kebenaran... harsh. tp demi negara. tun razak boleh dan takde orang nak marah kalau dia dahulukan kesihatan dia tapi demi negara..dia korbankan semua tu... tun dr ismail.... demi negara dan menyokong tun razak, dia tolak ketepi kepentingan diri sampai terkorban. hoi... sedih hoi...insaf aku tgk cerita ni... pergilah tengok.apa sangat tiket wayang sepuluh ringgit tu...

last but not least, aku petik kata2 yang mungkin bakal buat korang pergi tgk....

"it must be remembered that those who watched the film are society’s selected, viewers who are of quality regardless of how small, people who care to understand and judge out nation’s history. Among them will be our leaders, small and large, of the future,” said the former Utusan Malaysia journalist. 

finale

ini dah habis last usaha aku..

post itu. mmg BUKAN utk kau.

terpulanglah nak percaya ke tidak.HIDUP AKU BUKAN ADA KAU SEORANG SAJA DAN BUKAN KAU SAJA YG AKU FIKIR SETIAP MASA...so kalau rasa nak jadi budak2...teruskanlah sampai puas hati tu...

post itu utk adik aku. ye adik aku yg hina aku dgn kurang ajar.so it was a stupid elder sister yang ikutkan perasaan dan tulis di blog dgn harapan dia baca and it worked. puas hati?

so kalau terus nak lari.larilah. nak terus marah.marahlah.nk benci ke ..nak jadi budak2....itu HAK engkau. teruskanlah. kalau rasa persahabatan bertahun tahun perlu habis mcm budak2...so okay. HAK engkau jgk.

our friendship was toooooooo damn too cheap for u sampai it was tooo easy to throw it away.

satu sudut merenung khilaf
mencari kegembiraan di sekitar
hakikat.
aku sendiri merenung khilaf
gembira mereka aku tak mengerti
seperti mereka tak ketahui apa di hati

kelibat itu aku kenal
terpejam aku akalku ligat
sebelum sempat berani itu datang
kau pergi menghiris sisa yang tinggal

antara mengejar dan membiarkan

sekali lagi aku biar hati ini hanya aku yang tahu sakitnya

soalan demi soalan diaju padaku
aku hilang jawapan
aku habis kata kata

aku mahu laungkan sekuat hati...tanyalah empunya diri.

kerana aku, sudah dia buang tanpa ucap.


suatu hari. bila aku tak terdaya utk menelan semua lagi dan saat itu...aku akan pergi... puaskan hatimu yang tak berani utk ucapkan sendiri.

dan hari ini tertusuk lg. ntahla kenapa fragile sgt hati ni. hoih la.. asik nak sedih je. hormon ke apa aku ni? sobs

memula aku ingat kewl..maybe trend sekarang.tp lama2 rasa terhina sgt.rasa sakit pulak hati ini.rasa nk menangis jauh hati jauh2 pon ye. tp xpelah. hina sgt kot aku ni...jijik sgt kot..baiklah. aku terima.

there are moments in life that... u just dont know what to do when been throw things at your face.

example, when suddenly strangers cry her eyes out in front of you. and only god knows what is on my mind. i was freaking out inside out of not knowing what to do. whats the right thing to do. yeah. that is so hard. harder than add math.

and being me...if i dont run like a chicken... and still stand by you though i know nuts what to do. it just simply means that... i care. im trying really hard in my brain thinking what the best right thing to do. if there is flaws in my reaction and words, the imperfection is just me being too caring and human with emotional. y care when u know being hurt will eventually occur? y keep coming back ignoring the possible consequences?

u can be smart. but when love, feelings, emotions conquer, u can be real stupid. yeah. genuine idiot.

em so. its not too late to wish selamat hari raya people.

i did not raya in perlis this year. sedih? of course. but i am also blessed to have my parents with me during raya. what more do i want right? mommy being super mommy managed to whipped up butter chic rice. at first, i have my doubts/skeptical thinking when she says she wanted to cook... because its hard to cook using only the microwave. phew.. amazeballs i tell ya. in the end sedap menjilat jari pulak tu. ke lapaq sbb asik makan kebab? hahaha..raya di tmpt orang mmg mcm ni...

however, my 1st day of raya was sooooooooooo sad that i actually cry. menangis yg air mata x keluar..tp merah gila mata...forcing me to take a walk to calm myself. yeah. i read the comment on 1st raya and i was so sad to think...

after all these years... after everything... that is what she thinks about me? y? ever since i heard the news i am trying my best to be nothing but the best fren to u. the kind that u would talk about everything...the one that u find when no where u could turn around. yeah. but bearing in mind also that im not suppose to react the way u want me to react so that i could would be comfortable.. im suppose to act and talk for what is best for you. slap the reality. till up to the point that... i actually think... i have spoken, faught, provoke everything and if the decision u made is what u really want...thus i should be by ur side helping u doing what u want. that is y the day u told me about the letter... i am no longer shock or starting a fight with u like always. i have change my side to go along and support with what u want to do.

and then one thing after another.coming back from kuantan when everything changed for no reason..nothing..well at least what i know/think i seriously dont know what the hell happened..if the comments about the shawls hurts u. i am sorry but that is was my opinion about those shawls. i thought that all u want is honest opinion? it was my opinion based on my taste of design and colors.. maybe there are millions ppl out there have differ opinion than me. so yeah.... if the truth hurts u. sorry. i cannot turn back and undo.

sigh. then the comment and reading it on 1st raya.... it breaks my heart to see that u smile, laugh, having fun. and i get the punishment of "ignoring" as if i dont even exist in ur life anymore. y? i cannot even get mad but sad.


i want to be mad. but i am just sad. senangnya buang semuanya. i at least deserve an explanation..



"and do what best for him her and not what is comfortable for you..." yeah rite. i have chosen that way. and look what has happened.

and yes. this time, this post is all about u.

funny when ppl thinks every  or at least one or two  previous posts have anything to do with them. 

does it ever occur to u that my life is not about u all the time? that i have problems on my own that perhaps all the posts are all dedicated solely to me or any of my family members? 

space is what im giving u on the day u start to ignore.
 

so much about the presumptions and assumptions. perhaps if u ask straight to my face embarrassment would fly away?

perfection is nothing near me. 

unlike facebook, it takes a lot more effort to click on the link to this stupid blog i owned, read about the shits im writing bearing in mind that sangka baik also should be included when reading this stupid blog i owned. 

for the purpose of this blog? its completely my freedom to write any shits of my life so long as it does not disclose anybody identities to the world. if this stupid blog i owned irritates anyone, simply just dont click. as simple as our friendship. u ignore, i give u space. if u ever need me, u know where to find me...for now.

picking up the phone wont hurt ur big ass ego. i can promise u that. especially if i just wanted to give what u love the most. hati. soalnya hati. kenapa perlu lari? i promise u i wont give u the look i told u soo or anything in that line if that is what u think i would do.. u always presumed the worst of me. last time we spoke, i did ask for forgiveness if there is anything wrong. u give me indication that forgiveness is what i get.so now, what the hell is wrong ? 

xpelah. just dont forget, i can be a bitch as well.

i can not return the call

i can ignore better than u

i can be angrier longer than u

i can be a real bitch

and 

i can walk away without turning back.  

4/7/2013

running. running away rather than facing the real truth is so much easy. but the hidden damage u have done to urself. its ruining you from inside. u tell lies to yourself everyday that it is okay, it is the correct decision, it is what you should be doing... without realizing its going to consume you one day with the denial syndrome. one, if has make the decision they think its the best. why keep running away? why avoid conversation that might persuade nor slap you in the face about reality of the decision you make? lies.denial.running. i wonder if next step is suicide.

..

failure.it seems to follow us no matter how hard we try to avoid it.the courage to get up and move on seems to be something that i failed to do so far. one after another.it seems that there is no end to it. yet. i still hope there is rainbow after this storm. hope. strength. it what we need to get up again.over time, it will heal. at least that is what i learn from my dear friend. ups and downs. lets stay with each other. even when i can do nothing but sit quietly beside you. 

.

the path you choose.the decision you make.it does not really matter if you ignore the reality of the world.survival. harsh world. the confusion when one mix the fantasy into reality and pray hard there will be rainbow after that. may mature you.or. when you fall... you fall hard. then you back to the cycle of life. we learn.. hard or easy way..learning process. is what i tell myself for every mess.. consequences. is what makes your life harder no matter what u tell yourself.

2072013906P

having to admit mistake for the decision u believe to be true is hard. not everybody have the guts nor the will to admit ones wrong decision every time when it comes to one's pride. the price you pay for not admitting and the suffering,the regrets, the broken hearts, could u ever heal from that? .pride... its gonna be ur dark side of the life without even having to do anything.

-172013844P-

dalam hidup aku. byk orang suka cantas. noted. xpelah.syukur rezeki bukan dari manusia tp hak Allah.

dunno what to do.what to feel. how to react

cerita yo bermula yo begini.

pada zaman dahulu kala... sy sgt marah pada ini orang..marah yg tak dapat dilupa sampei eh sekarang.. sekarang pon kalau dikenang kenang benda lama eh boleh moody satu badan. taklah.actually bukan moody tapi terus rasa diri ini adalah sgt stupid.sgt tidak beguna.sgt teruk... ye aku dilabel begitu.. xtaulah orang itu sedar atau x perlakuan dia pada aku dari aku kecik sampai dah degree kot.lepas tu mmg kira dengan jari berapa kali je aku jumpa dia.tu pon kalau raya x jumpa rasa nk sujud syukur sbb xperlu aku tambah dosa marah pada dia atau dia tmbah dosa pada aku. ye. begitu kronik keadaaanya... damage being done for the past 20 years. pergh.xnak dramatic lagi? ok serious balik...

jadi kesimpulannya u can say ada marah terpendam.ada kecik hati yg tersimpan..ada jauh hati..ada terguris terbakar perasaaan..semualah yg emo2 tu ada pada hubungan aku dgn dia. well at least itu yg aku rasa..xtaulah apa dia rasa kan.. hati orang mana den nak tau yo... mama abah pon x pernah paksa aku siap tolong aku kalau dpt avoid dari berjumpa.. ye..mereka tau hati aku sgt sedih setiap..setiap ok.. setiap kali jumpa dgn dia..ada jelah x kena aku pada mata dia...jadi parents aku mmg sgt kesian kat aku maka mereka jadi supportive. sobs. lebiu mommy abah..

walaubagaimana pon.. oleh kerana ada beberapa event yg aku tak boleh mengelak dari berjumpa hamba Allah sorang ni..lately ni ada lah kot 2, 3 kali? terjumpa balik..ok. keadaan dia mcm ni. aku hormat dia sebagai orang tua. marah mcm manapon..apa jua aku rasa... aku tak pernah memaki depan or buat perangai yg memalukan mama abah.. jadi aku pon mcm biasa.. modeeeee sopan ON... aku tgk...dia agak berubah.tiada lagi sebutan2 keras..ejekkan..sindiran...atau lagi senang aku rasa normal la jumpa dgn dia walaupon kisah lama masih aku tak lupa.. ye aku mmg mcm ni..susah nak lupa.. dendam ke apa...aku pon x tau..mungkin sbb jadi konflik kot..marah tp sayang..benci tp syg... darah yg mengalir dlm tubuh aku ada juga gene dari dia..jadi mcm lebih kurang kau cincang air xkan putus aaa gitu... 

aku pelik.tp aku diamkan je dgn perubahan beliau. apa mau pikir ye dak? org xbuat jahat..xyah byk bunyi la kan..syukur je la... hohoho...

anyway.. past few days..aku dikhabarkan ttg beliau baru saja di diagnose dgn penyakit kronik yg sudah tahap yg kronik...persoalannya, dari aku dengar berita tu..aku tak tau...clueless habis... xtau mcm mana nak react.. apa yg patut aku rasa... aku ada terpikir jgk nak tepuk tgn.tp aku tak buat..aku ada terpikir lebih kurang "padan muka..balasan tuhan pada kau"... tapi tak jgk terkeluar atau aku padamkn dalam hati laju2 dari pikir mcm tu... tp setiap kali benda tu diulang depan aku... aku clueless lagi.. rasa nk pergi ziarah? xjugak ada keikhlasan tu..mungkin aku nak ziarah tp aku ego...aku takut jgk kalau dia masih x brubah dan end up aku upset lg... marah lagi..dia dah x lama bak kata doctor...jadi aku xnak tmbah apa yg dah sedia byk dlm sejarah hubungan aku dgn dia..byk dosa dari pahala.

kesimpulannya..itu delima hidup aku sekarang...cemano? hah?cemano? esok ma abah nk pegi ziarah..apa aku kena buat????????????????????????????